Do you ever have a conversation with the person who know’s you the most… understands you intricately… and only wants the best for you but you don’t want to believe what they’re saying? You choose not to understand their point. You become defensive. Ignorant even. You disagree. You even convince yourself that they’re wrong.
Until the next day when their words come back to you and you really inhale them. Digest them. Think on them. And possibly start to think that they maybe had a little point.
That’s where I am right now. Last night, Mr Me told me I need to be selfish because I’ve lost Me. I am mum, sister, daughter, partner and even sometimes friend. But I am never really Me and I haven’t been for a while now. When I stopped working, we had made an agreement that I would use that time to find myself. Learn to love me. Explore new things. Become happier. I didn’t do that at all and last night it became apparent.
When asked what I’ve done to be more selfish since the last time we discussed it (only a few weeks ago), my response was something about taking baths, choosing to see a friend instead of doing housework and reading books. If you don’t already do these things then hell yeah – you’re doing more for you. Mr Me’s point was that I already do these things and I wasn’t doing them to actively be selfish. So they don’t count. I was all like “you’re wrong… we just have different beliefs… all I want is money and I’ll be fine”.
Welcome today. When I know deep down he is right. I need to actively find ways to be more about me. What do I want? What do I like? What makes me happy?
But at the same time, it’s really hard when you don’t have a clue. I don’t really know what I like. I don’t know how to find out. I have an issue with money I was working on in therapy and I seem to believe money will solve everything. If I have unlimited funds I can do all the things I want and find out what makes me happy. But I’m trying to work past that by accepting that right now I don’t have money so I need to find things that are available to me now.
So I decided that I’m going to use this post to compile a list of ways I can be more selfish and do things for just me. This is the part of the post that will probably take me all day because I’m still trying to work it out but once the list is compiled, I will also have a list of (some) things that I can potentially blog about too!
- Get eyebrows/nails (or both) done without feeling guilty for spending money on myself
- Get a massage ditto minus the guilt
- Blog. I like to write. I need to express myself. It’s okay to prioritise blogging.
- Read trashy romantic fiction books that make me feel good and feel okay that I’m not reading a book intended to better my life.
- Listen to music often. Especially soca. You can’t feel sad when it’s carnival.
- Go to bed earlier without this epic sense of FOMO and guilt that I’m not spending more time with Mr Me.
- Protect myself from negativity – especially people who bring their negative energy into my life and disrupt my energy.
- Try to meditate/practice mindfulness once a day. I’m not very good at it but I want to try even 10 minutes a day to just have that time for my mind. Try an InnerSpace course also.
- Sit in a coffee shop by myself with a hot chocolate and a book and just enjoy the time for myself. Possibly people watch.
- Sit in the empty house in the morning and just enjoy the quiet time. Don’t worry about housework or anything on the to-do list. Just be.
- Find a hobby that I enjoy. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this but I’m going to google hobbies and see what comes up!
- One day, somehow, make a couples retreat happen for at least 24 hours. Make this happen at least once every 6 months when it’s possible.
- Compile a list of places to visit in London (maybe one place outside of London) and visit them!
- Go to a bookshop and enjoy browsing
- Take myself to dinner. This is a big challenge for me because I feel like I should at least be going with Mr Me plus I know people will be like “how sad” but I will make this happen. Maybe try a supper club instead.
- Create a list of life goals. Main goals and sub-goals (Mr Me inspired this one).
- Take a class. It’s one way to find a hobby and see what I like so I guess they go hand in hand?
- Find my mantra/affirmation. Say it as many times a day as I need to.
- Try go-karting. I think I’m maybe one of the only people who hasn’t done this and it looks fun. Like something that could really allow me to let loose, have fun and stop stressing.
- Attend a lecture at The School of Life.
- Visit BookSlam at least once.
- Visit a museum by myself. Maybe the Museum of Brands, Packaging and Advertising (don’t judge me!).
- Take a free online course to learn the basics of something new and random. Finish it!
- Do a Wikipedia walk and blog about it
- Enter a short story competition at least twice. It will be fun and if it’s terrible… who cares?
- Implement a Me day once a week. Spend the day doing things on this list all day without feeling guilty or worrying or checking my phone!
Now, how do I make myself make these things happen? I’m not really sure. I’m going to show Mr Me this list so maybe he can ask me what I’ve done every week. I might even print it so I have a visual reminder of what I should be working towards.