Last night, I was tossing and turning in bed trying to fall asleep, begging my mind to just give me a break, please! Why is it always at bedtime that we are plagued with our most negative and unhelpful thoughts?
I’m lying there, thinking that Mr.Me generally goes for naturally slimmer girls who are taller than me (not hard when I’m 5ft) and occasionally taller than him. They’re toned enough and in proportion. He’s never been interested in bigger females and this thought has kept me awake at night.
Wondering if I should be trying harder to shift this excess, leftover baby weight from way too long ago. Then wondering if I should be thinking that for myself anyways, instead of worrying about how it could be affecting him.
Worrying that I’m too hairy. Too overweight. Too short. Not the right complexion. Not the right personality. Not the right person at all. Wondering if he would have left me already if it wasn’t for the Mini’s. Not because he doesn’t love me but maybe because there’s someone slimmer and happier and less complicated he could love more.
The worst thing is nothing he’s said or done makes me feel this way. This is all in my head. Thinking too much. But knowing that deep down, I’m partially right. He might not even know it. But I do. He likes small waists and big enough bums. Grabbable thighs and a handful of breasts. He likes freckles and confidence.
My waist isn’t small and my bum isn’t toned. My thighs are too fatty and my breasts too saggy. My freckles are awesome but my confidence doesn’t exist. Do you see the problem?
When the anxiety and insecurity kick in, my stomach turns thinking about my physical appearance and all the other females who look better than me. Tears try to fall from my eyes but I refuse to let my head take it that far. I want to talk to him about it but what can he say when it’s my mind that’s the cause. How much reassurance can he give, knowing it probably won’t make a difference? Knowing I probably think there’s someone I think is more his type to talk to already…
He encourages me. He supports me. He never puts me down or makes me feel guilty or unpretty.
I wish I could love my physical self as much as he thinks he does. But he probably forgets how good I can look when I’m 18lbs lighter it’s been that long. I wish I could be the best version of myself. I wish I had the willpower and energy and mental capacity to do more. I wish I knew whether using my anxiety and depression as a reason behind the struggle to lose weight is really just an excuse.
I wonder so many things and at the same time, I try to know so many things as well. I try to know that Mr.Me isn’t shallow and would tell me if he thought my weight was a problem for him. I know that Mr.Me wouldn’t cheat on me – he would rather leave before he stooped to that level. I know that I can be pretty too, no matter how big or small I am because it’s all about how I think.
I know I have to keep trying. Keep trying to get to a place where I am happy and comfortable with my body. A place where I am confident in my physical attraction. A place where I remember how beautiful my mind can be too.
A place where I am happy to just be me, as I am.
Why does this post have quotes to remind you how beautiful you are? Because I never want anybody to feel as unpretty as I do and also to try to remind myself that I am beautiful too… I just have to really see it.