I have only this raw and honest post about living with anxiety. It might help, motivate or comfort someone. It might not. I haven’t been taking my sertraline how I should and I skipped a therapy session. This post is exactly the reason why I definitely shouldn’t do that.
I have been through a fair few things in life and come out the other side. I have always been proud of my ability to cope and survive and prove people (and statistics) wrong. Proud to be the so-called odd one out.
People have sometimes referred to me as the normal one and this always amuses me although I rarely share my amusement or question their judgement – everybody doesn’t need to know that my mind is a prison.
I still don’t know a lot about anxiety, why it happens or where it comes from. I am researching and trying to learn and understand more about this disorder that plagues my mind. Therapy has taught me that a lot of my problems stem from a dysfunctional childhood, not that it makes it any easier to live with it or deal with it.
Because in my mind I’ve been diagnosed with multiple life-threatening illnesses, my house has burnt down with my family inside, my children have died from SIDs, Mr.Me has been fatally wounded on his way home and I’ve died hundreds of different deaths.
A simple headache is a brain tumour, an increased heart rate is the start of a heart attack, I had to visit a GP to confirm I didn’t have cervical cancer on the one and only occasion I had mid-cycle spotting, and general aches and pains are a sign of my body giving up on me. I’ve imagined my own demise in more ways than one could imagine and nearly had a panic or anxiety attack every time.
I struggle to hold my own in an argument (I generally end up silently in tears trying to control my feelings), making important decisions can reduce me to tears and irritability to the point of unreasoning and my mind in general is just such a hard and scary place to exist.
I am terrified of failing, scared of making the wrong decision, fearful of having another miscarriage, afraid of being a bad mother and an even worse life partner.
I “catastrophise” (a term I learnt from a Health Visitor) and I fear not having control – to the point of extremes as mentioned above. These seem to be the cause for all and any of my anxiety issues. I don’t know if I am meant to be trying to find out why these things have caused this anxiety, when it started or if I am supposed to be just trying to learn how to deal with it.
It is inconvenient, embarrassing and exhausting. It is hard for me to understand and even harder for me to try to explain.
I am tired of the constant nervous energy and anxious thoughts, lurking in the blackness of my mind, never knowing when it’s going to attack or how. I am drained from trying to exist in a world where my exterior needs to be composed and professional and nurturing and giving and patient and understanding and forgiving and loving and 100 other things, when my interior is falling apart mentally.
I am frustrated that I still have a logical, intelligent side that knows how irrational I am being every time it happens. That I have a voice in my head telling me “you know this isn’t real, you are stronger and healthier than this, you control your mind not the other way around” that I can hear but I can’t empower.
I am trying to talk to people, trying to think positive thoughts, trying affirmations, trying exercise, trying to be healthy, trying to listen to music, trying to stay distracted – trying everything suggested to make it better.
I enjoy CBT but I am scared of it ending. I might need psychotherapy. I might need hypnotherapy. I might just need a new brain altogether. I wanted to avoid medication because I thought it made me weaker but now I have considered the other possible medications that might do a better job so much more in the last week or so because I am so tired of trying now.
I am going to join Anxiety UK at the end of this month to see if it makes any difference. I am going to read my affirmations every day. I am going to actively try to replace my negative thoughts with more positive ones. I am going to write and write and write. I am going to use my diary. I am going to keep trying. Even though I am tired. And my brain hurts from the constant battle of trying and fighting and drowning. Mr.Me hasn’t given up on me yet. My children still adore me. They need me to be strong for them.
So I will.
- I deserve all the good things in life God has promised for me.
- My body is healthy, my mind is brilliant and my soul is tranquil
- I am surrounded by love
- Everything is getting better everyday
- I love myself & I am amazing
- Every day is full of hope, happiness & health
- I am capable of great things
- I can achieve anything I want
- Each day I believe in myself more & more
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