I’ve mentioned CBT before right? In one or two posts if I remember correctly. I have generalised anxiety disorder that manifests in so many ways from catastrophising about death and illnesses to panic attacks when I feel under pressure at work and being unable to make basic decisions at home like pizza or chinese (and the even more fucked up bit about it is that this lack of control stems from a need to control everything… makes sense right?!).
Therapy is… going well. In the sense, that I think it is getting somewhere way beyond the surface level which is probably the aim. Sessions are pushing me out of my comfort zone and I am definitely learning new things about myself and beginning to slowly see my actions for the anxiety driven behaviours they are.
I’ve learnt that my childhood had a much bigger impact on me than I ever realised and I think I had hoped to avoid. As “normal” as people think I am, deep down, I clearly have issues.
I learnt I don’t like to apologise because I never once saw my mother or father apologise for their shitty alchohol addictions or what that meant for us as children. Also because I have major control issues which link back to a crazy childhood.
I have some serious defense mechanisms going on so guess what? I don’t know what happy is or how to be it. I haven’t noticed or cared for a long time. Now I realise. It hurts and sucks but I can’t even say the word happy in relation to myself without feeling uncomfortable. How fucked up is that?!
I don’t like the sentence “you deserve to be happy” and I can’t even tell you why. I keep trying to push myself to find the answer but I can’t get past the discomfort so it must be bad.
My parents royally fucked me and my siblings up in hindsight. A part of me wishes I didn’t know that now. I wish I could kind of believe I survived unmarked (aside from the self-harm scars) and stronger than ever. Apparently not.
Mr.Me thinks there is only so much we can blame on our childhood which I agree with. I think. But now I am wondering how true that is when so many of my problems and anxiety disorder stem from the childhood I thought I couldn’t blame.
Today, I also realised, another part of this new life I have created for myself, far away from the dysfunction and insecurity that was my life as a child, is this inability to maintain friendships and this feeling of dislike I have for people who seem sometimish or “inconsistent”.
I just sat here and wondered, do I react so angrily/hurt/dismissive because I can’t handle inconsistency? I can’t have another person in my life who causes insecurity, instability and I don’t have confidence in. Is this why I dislike so many people? Because when a plan falls through, or they disappear for months on end, or whatever, that feeling of instability and dysfunction rears it’s head subconsciously? I feel like a child all over again, out of control and unconsidered and decide the best thing to do is just drop that person out completely?
Is that why I have struggled with relationships as well? Why I struggle so much with Mr.Me? The control issue is linked to all of these things but it is so much deeper than that. And now I feel confused and unsure and like I wish I had therapy before Monday to be honest.
This blog was always going to be about my thoughts and feelings on a variety of things so if this post wasn’t for you, feel free to check out another or just ignore this post altogether. The point is, I am just too tired all the time to care if you care that my life sucks sometimes. It is improving though, as hard as that may be to believe from this post.
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