Do you ever react to something and then immediately regret reacting at all? You know as you’re reacting that it’s not the wisest move and that you’re acting on impulse. You know you are going to wish you could take it all back, even if you do mean everything, when you’ve had time to calm down because it’s just not worth the fight?
That’s me right now.
I have literally had enough of F.U.Mum. Like, I have reached my boiling point. It’s like the years of disappointment and anger and unhappiness I’ve managed to supress deep down keep trying to rear their ugly head this year for every little thing she does that annoys me.
Here’s a list of the few things I can remember instantly that have pissed me off:
- Mini Me 1 had a sore throat. She was supposed to be staying the night at my older sisters house that evening. F.U.Mum went out of her way to phone my big sister and tell her she shouldn’t let her stay the night because it could be tonsillitis. I had already spoken to my big sister who was fine. By the time I got Mini Me 1 to my big sister, she was questioning whether it was such a good idea because of F.U.Mum. Please tell me WHY she needed to get involved? We are both adults with children who can handle our shit.
- We went to a local park in the summer which has a public pool. I do not like this pool. I think it is dirty and full of germs and I don’t want my children in it. My children understand they can’t go into the pool and there are plenty of other things to do. There is a bigger park (Hampstead Heath) with a bigger pool which we don’t mind. They went there a lot in the summer. My sister practically wouldn’t meet us at the park on this day because I wouldn’t let the Mini’s into the water. It wasn’t fair. F.U.Mum decided to phone me and tell me I was being unreasonable and why wouldn’t I let at least Mini Me 1 go in? Because it’s my damn choice not to and I said no is why. My sister waited until half an hour before we were leaving to come so that her children could go into the pool. But everytime I invited her to Hampstead Heath with us, she could never make it.
- Halloween. Was. A. Nightmare. I have never had to argue and defend myself as hard as I had to surrounding halloween. I cried. It was horrendous. I don’t celebrate halloween. It is a choice. I am not the best Christian and I know Christians who will celebrate Halloween and I have no issues with this – to each their own. I personally prefer not to. I have always told my family there will come a year when I put an end to it. Mini Me 1 is 4 now, turning 5. It seemed like the perfect time to say “no”. Except my family would not accept no for an answer. I was sent links to reasons why it’s okay, I was told she was missing out, I was holding her back from time with her cousins, I better be going to church every week if I’m going to be like this, I’ve let her go before so why not now and so forth. I was actually in shock at how vehement and unnecessary it all seemed. I had plans for a family movie night with takeaway and goodies… I was told that wasn’t good enough to make up for her missing out. Not once was Mini Me 2 mentioned or included.
- Last week I was told even though I have no money and we are struggling to work out how we are going to manage all the bills, food shopping and travel for the next month once Mr Me gets paid (the only income we have), F.U.Mum informed me I have no choice to but to buy presents for my one niece and three nephews as presents have already been bought for my children so that’s that. No possiblity of just waiting until I have some money. No understanding. Just find the money and sort it out.
- Today, F.U.Mum mentioned a postal strike although luckily she had already sent her cards. I mentioned I hadn’t yet been able to afford to get cards to send yet (I usually get personalised cards and had been waiting to see if I would be able to this year) in a panic response to the possibility of my cards not even arriving when I get them done. Who told me to open my mouth? Because my nan has given me money for myself and the kids, how I cannot even afford to send a card is pretty shit and I suck basically. I didn’t say I wasn’t sending a card. I’m sorry we have been so broke this last week or two we have been struggling to make sure there are meals, Mr Me & I have been skipping meals constantly to ensure the kids eat and we are just about managing.
Don’t worry about the fact I’ve been going through the worst withdrawal, barely functioning and my relationship is possibly falling apart around me. But you wouldn’t worry about that because you don’t ask. You don’t ask me how I am, you don’t ask me how I’m feeling and you don’t ask me how my life is. You don’t phone me anymore ever. You hardly message me personally. We used to speak everyday and now we barely speak at all. So please don’t worry about me. Just make sure everyone else gets what they want.
You’re just my mum after all. One who never fails to disappoint. One who never apologises for the past. One who never wants to talk about why I ended up with anxiety because you feel like you’re being attacked. One who tries her best, I know you do, but it’s not the best for me or mine. It’s the best for you.
You’re just my mum after all.
POSTSCRIPT: Just before I started writing this post, I had reacted to the last example of my mums annoying attitude. Something along the lines of the card will get sent, don’t give me money ever again and leave me alone in future please. Then I said sorry for my attitude because sometimes I should just be quiet instead of reacting (because I just don’t see the point in wasting my breath anymore). So just as I finished writing this blog post, I received a message that read “don’t worry… I may have been a bit harsh there but at the end of the day, that’s my mum and she does good for ALL of us.” I would have preferred an “I’m sorry for saying what I did, I realise it was quite harsh and I haven’t been there for you as much as I should have but it is my mum after all”. That would have been asking too much obviously. But my main thought was…