Today, I am pissed.
Everyone is the cause. This is where a massive part of my manifesto is going to be ignored because if I don’t get it off my chest now I might explode and end up being hated by everyone.
“I have walked many miles in heavy, unidentified and unconsidered shoes,
So I will suspend judgement of others as long as humanly possible.”
How can there be people who live 1000’s of miles away from me or have never met me, that care more about how I’m doing and how they can help me than my own supposed “friends” and family?!
I don’t get it. Everyone talks about a support network being essential for everything – career, health and general life progress. I think I must be the only person without real friends. Don’t get me wrong, there are a very small number of people I know are good friends to me although I know I’m not the first person that comes to their mind when they have a problem or want someone to talk to…
But then there are the people who call me their sister or their good friend and expect me to listen to their problems and support them through their very bad life choices but just about manage to do the same for me.
I question whether I am the reason for their behaviour. Do I pick terrible people to be friends with? Do I expect too much from people in general? Why do other people have this great group of people they can rely on and I don’t?
Is it because of my childhood? Am I unable to form proper friendships? Or is it just “one of those things”?
Here are some examples of how let down I have felt by different people over the last week:
- Me: Come see me later please, I need some adult company
Person A: Can’t tonight, going for dinner at a friends. Everything okay? (if this person bothered to listen to me properly they would remember everything is not ok as I told them earlier in the week)
Me 1 day later: I need help this weekend please. I have no-one else I can ask. I’m losing the will to live. Kids were up most of the night and up at 7am. Mini Me 2 is miserable. These withdrawal symptoms are killing me.
Person A: I would come but I’m not in the area
- Person B (who is in a dysfunctional relationship and knows it): Here if you need to rant
Me 4 days later: If you can come and chill for a bit and keep me sane while I try to do everything I need to today, please do!
Person B: Wish I could but *enter excuse here* plus I still feel rough
Me: Would you like to swap roughs? Lol
- Person C full of “advice” on getting better and telling me how amazing I am: Personally, I have a sick relation to visit (this obviously takes all day right?)
Me: I accept I have no one readily willing or available or willing to make themself available on the very few occasions I need someone *obligatory “lol”*
Now I know some people will be like “well these are viable reasons so it’s not their fault” and maybe you are right and I am wrong. But I feel like these are the same people who tell me verbally how much they care and always expect me to listen to their bullshit?
“I will surround myself with strong, motivated people.
Especially people who will say what I don’t want to hear.
I choose authenticity and loyalty over perfection.
I appreciate the small gestures…
I will set boundaries of respect, work to honour them,
And be willing to edit the roles of people in my life who can’t.”
When Person A was struggling to deal with her parents marriage breakdown (is it normal to be hugely effected by this at the age of 25?), I encouraged her to get out of the house and the time she got stupidly drunk and had a fight with her mum, I made sure she got to my house and back home safely, as well as speaking to her mum on the phone. I think she should have made the effort to come and help me whether that meant cancelling her dinner or coming back to the area to do so. That’s the kind of shit you do for someone you have been best friends with for the past part of 15 years, no? This person is notorious for letting me down though. Mr Me is always encouraging me to cut off this friendship but then I would really have no one… not that I seem to have Person A as it is.
When Person B’s partner steals money, or disappears for hours on end, or just acts like a complete lazy tool with no ambition (like working 20 hours a week and still manages to be “too sick” to work in the first week and still is yet to return) I listen to her moan and shout and cry and kick him out, only to take him back within days or weeks at most. I listen to her say she can do better and that she can’t see herself with this guy forever but still settle with him for now. I listen to her make excuses for him. Person B listened to me crying down the phone on Sunday because I felt so bad from the withdrawal symptoms and still hasn’t tried to physically help me in any way. Person B lives a 10 minute walk away from me… She is also my older sister.
Person C is notoriously unavailable as he is always making himself available for extended family due to some misplaced feeling of responsibility he has due to his lack of a father figure. He is so available for his extended family that he is hardly available for himself. Or his girlfriend. Or me. He doesn’t see that there are other family members who should be lightening his load or he does see but won’t force their hand. Person C I am less angry at. Person C is a good person. His timing of unavailability just sucked. Person C does not live locally to me although 1 train can get him to me. Person C calls me his sister although we are not biologically related. Person C is amazing… he just doesn’t prioritise well.
How long am I expected to get through everything life keeps throwing at me without proper support? My life actually has to be in pieces around me before anyone makes themselves available and that is only when their life is good enough. If they have problems, then my problems are never as important. Person A & B are notorious for making sure that you are never alone with your problem. They always have a problem too. It is never just about you. I think it is no wonder I suffer from depression. I take on the worlds problems but no one takes on mine except for me and Mr Me when I let him.
I left my mum off of this list because I think I have come to terms with her many failings from my dysfunctional childhood to my depressed self-harming adolescence into my anxiety-ridden, CBT needing adulthood. My mum does not help me, she does not know that she is still failing me and I do not care to tell her. Her denial runs deep.
So far, the withdrawal symptoms of coming off of Paroxetine include: Vertigo style dizziness and loss of balance, nausea, extreme emotionalness, lots and lots of crying, tiredness, irritability, sweating, feeling really hot or freezing cold, being too nauseaous to eat, being too dizzy to leave my house safely, thoughts of harming myself and running away from the Mini’s… The short version means I just can’t function properly or get anything done. Yes, I’m lucky I haven’t felt suicidal or had hallucinations. But Considering Mr Me wasn’t here pretty much from last Thursday to this Monday, I really needed some damn help looking after the Mini’s and just having some company to keep me distracted from feeling like I’m living in a man-made, GP prescribed hell.
I know the overall problem is that I have expectations I place upon people. I always tell people to stop having expectations because it opens you up to disappointment BUT I am beginning to believe it is possibly a part of human nature to have expectations? Can someone let me know if this is scientifically proven anywhere?
On the plus side, I survived. I survived the weekend. I survived my first 7 days of withdrawal symptoms as lonely as I am. So thanks to my “friends” for the lesson in solo survival. I’m still standing, albeit while holding onto walls and such for stability!
I needed to say this. I needed to say this because I was thinking it and it was getting to me and I couldn’t do anything about it because I don’t want to argue with people when I know I could be in the wrong. I don’t want to argue with people when I know I am already short-tempered and emotional. I don’t want to argue with people when I know I would be wasting my time. So I wrote it all down instead.