You’re No Good For Me…

Today, I am pissed.

Everyone is the cause. This is where a massive part of my manifesto is going to be ignored because if I don’t get it off my chest now I might explode and end up being hated by everyone.

“I have walked many miles in heavy, unidentified and unconsidered shoes,
So I will suspend judgement of others as long as humanly possible.”

How can there be people who live 1000’s of miles away from me or have never met me, that care more about how I’m doing and how they can help me than my own supposed “friends” and family?!

I don’t get it. Everyone talks about a support network being essential for everything – career, health and general life progress. I think I must be the only person without real friends. Don’t get me wrong, there are a very small number of people I know are good friends to me although I know I’m not the first person that comes to their mind when they have a problem or want someone to talk to…

But then there are the people who call me their sister or their good friend and expect me to listen to their problems and support them through their very bad life choices but just about manage to do the same for me.

I question whether I am the reason for their behaviour. Do I pick terrible people to be friends with? Do I expect too much from people in general? Why do other people have this great group of people they can rely on and I don’t?

Is it because of my childhood? Am I unable to form proper friendships? Or is it just “one of those things”?

Here are some examples of how let down I have felt by different people over the last week:

  1. Me: Come see me later please, I need some adult company
    Person A: Can’t tonight, going for dinner at a friends. Everything okay? (if this person bothered to listen to me properly they would remember everything is not ok as I told them earlier in the week)
    Me 1 day later: I need help this weekend please. I have no-one else I can ask. I’m losing the will to live. Kids were up most of the night and up at 7am. Mini Me 2 is miserable. These withdrawal symptoms are killing me.
    Person A: I would come but I’m not in the area
  2. Person B (who is in a dysfunctional relationship and knows it): Here if you need to rant
    Me 4 days later: If you can come and chill for a bit and keep me sane while I try to do everything I need to today, please do!
    Person B: Wish I could but *enter excuse here* plus I still feel rough
    Me: Would you like to swap roughs? Lol
  3. Person C full of “advice” on getting better and telling me how amazing I am: Personally, I have a sick relation to visit (this obviously takes all day right?)
    Me: I accept I have no one readily willing or available or willing to make themself available on the very few occasions I need someone *obligatory “lol”*

Now I know some people will be like “well these are viable reasons so it’s not their fault” and maybe you are right and I am wrong. But I feel like these are the same people who tell me verbally how much they care and always expect me to listen to their bullshit?

“I will surround myself with strong, motivated people.
Especially people who will say what I don’t want to hear.
I choose authenticity and loyalty over perfection.
I appreciate the small gestures…

I will set boundaries of respect, work to honour them,
And be willing to edit the roles of people in my life who can’t.”

When Person A was struggling to deal with her parents marriage breakdown (is it normal to be hugely effected by this at the age of 25?), I encouraged her to get out of the house and the time she got stupidly drunk and had a fight with her mum, I made sure she got to my house and back home safely, as well as speaking to her mum on the phone. I think she should have made the effort to come and help me whether that meant cancelling her dinner or coming back to the area to do so. That’s the kind of shit you do for someone you have been best friends with for the past part of 15 years, no? This person is notorious for letting me down though.  Mr Me is always encouraging me to cut off this friendship but then I would really have no one… not that I seem to have Person A as it is.

When Person B’s partner steals money, or disappears for hours on end, or just acts like a complete lazy tool with no ambition (like working 20 hours a week and still manages to be “too sick” to work in the first week and still is yet to return) I listen to her moan and shout and cry and kick him out, only to take him back within days or weeks at most. I listen to her say she can do better and that she can’t see herself with this guy forever but still settle with him for now. I listen to her make excuses for him. Person B listened to me crying down the phone on Sunday because I felt so bad from the withdrawal symptoms and still hasn’t tried to physically help me in any way. Person B lives a 10 minute walk away from me… She is also my older sister.

Person C is notoriously unavailable as he is always making himself available for extended family due to some misplaced feeling of responsibility he has due to his lack of a father figure. He is so available for his extended family that he is hardly available for himself. Or his girlfriend. Or me. He doesn’t see that there are other family members who should be lightening his load or he does see but won’t force their hand. Person C I am less angry at. Person C is a good person. His timing of unavailability just sucked. Person C does not live locally to me although 1 train can get him to me. Person C calls me his sister although we are not biologically related. Person C is amazing… he just doesn’t prioritise well.

How long am I expected to get through everything life keeps throwing at me without proper support? My life actually has to be in pieces around me before anyone makes themselves available and that is only when their life is good enough. If they have problems, then my problems are never as important. Person A & B are notorious for making sure that you are never alone with your problem. They always have a problem too. It is never just about you. I think it is no wonder I suffer from depression. I take on the worlds problems but no one takes on mine except for me and Mr Me when I let him.

I left my mum off of this list because I think I have come to terms with her many failings from my dysfunctional childhood to my depressed self-harming adolescence into my anxiety-ridden, CBT needing adulthood. My mum does not help me, she does not know that she is still failing me and I do not care to tell her. Her denial runs deep.

So far, the withdrawal symptoms of coming off of Paroxetine include: Vertigo style dizziness and loss of balance, nausea, extreme emotionalness, lots and lots of crying, tiredness, irritability, sweating, feeling really hot or freezing cold, being too nauseaous to eat, being too dizzy to leave my house safely, thoughts of harming myself and running away from the Mini’s… The short version means I just can’t function properly or get anything done. Yes, I’m lucky I haven’t felt suicidal or had hallucinations. But Considering Mr Me wasn’t here pretty much from last Thursday to this Monday, I really needed some damn help looking after the Mini’s and just having some company to keep me distracted from feeling like I’m living in a man-made, GP prescribed hell.

I know the overall problem is that I have expectations I place upon people. I always tell people to stop having expectations because it opens you up to disappointment BUT I am beginning to believe it is possibly a part of human nature to have expectations? Can someone let me know if this is scientifically proven anywhere?

On the plus side, I survived. I survived the weekend. I survived my first 7 days of withdrawal symptoms as lonely as I am. So thanks to my “friends” for the lesson in solo survival. I’m still standing, albeit while holding onto walls and such for stability!

I needed to say this. I needed to say this because I was thinking it and it was getting to me and I couldn’t do anything about it because I don’t want to argue with people when I know I could be in the wrong. I don’t want to argue with people when I know I am already short-tempered and emotional. I don’t want to argue with people when I know I would be wasting my time. So I wrote it all down instead.

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Comments

  1. Aoife says:

    Totally relate to this. 1st Jan I went through my Facebook and hid a lot of “friends” it was upsetting me not being invited places or included. It was stopping me appreciate MY ACTUAL life and I was wallowing in this virtual social life that I wasn’t included in. Also when I bump into people I want to catch up with them, ask questions and discover how they’ve been rather then “yeah saw that on Facebook” It’s given me time and space to see the people that I matter to and that a two way relationship happens, one way is exhausting and upsetting isn’t it? Ive moved on from many “but we’ve been friends for years” relationships recently and am being myself and relaxed more around new people and hopefully a new friendship will blossom. Be strong xx

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      Go you for taking positive action for your happiness and wellbeing. I think I will be doing a lot of that this year, slowly but surely, as I discover myself more xo

  2. roseamyh says:

    I so relate to this post, I have these feelings a lot & had a big moment about it yesterday! It’s really hard when you’d drop everything for someone when they need it but they wouldn’t do the same for you. After my ex ended it I lost a lot of people who I’d tried really hard to be friends with and be there for (including him, who I’d have done anything for), and the friends I still have don’t really feel like they care enough to put the same effort in that I do. It’s hard now that I’ve graduated and we’re all all over the place but I’ve lost so many people over the years that it worries me that I’m the common denominator – either I’m a terrible person, I’m around terrible people (not true) or I’m just not good enough. I guess the loner life is for me haha! If you ever need anyone to chat to about it all I’m always around <3 <3

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      I definitely have the thought that I’m the common denominator so maybe the problem lies with me but maybe I’m wrong. Who knows? Thank you xo

      1. roseamyh says:

        Well from the sounds of those people it’s not you! Hope you’re feeling a little better now x

  3. Relationships should be a two way street, and it sounds like some of yours are very one way. What’s the answer? Lower your expectations or find more suitable friends? You did amazing getting through the week with such little support 🙂

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      Aww thank you! I don’t know how I would find more suitable friends so I end up lowering my expectations tbh. Thanks for this comment, it really cheered me up xo

  4. Omg I totally know how you feel! A lot of my friends graduated last year but I am still at uni and it’s been really interesting seeing who my real friends are and which friendships were superficial!

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      I can believe that! Everytime I’ve left studying or a job, so many promises are made but I literally speak to almost zero people from anywhere! I think maybe I might be the problem here…

      xo

  5. ChelseaMamma says:

    I have to admit that I rarely see my friends but we are all so busy it is difficult. When we do catch up though we just pick up where we left off

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      That’s good… I just don’t have many friends tbh or no-one I feel acts like they really want to be my friend.. Starting to think what I think a friend is supposed to be could be wrong…

      xo

  6. Wow sending you virtual hugs. I have learnt the hard way how our supposed loved ones can disappoint so I have learnt to be as independent as I can be. Hang in there.

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      I think I am quite independent but I guess I still expect too much from people and allow myself to feel this way! It’s so lonely being independent sometimes no? xo

      1. Yea it can be but I had to learn how to to stop people from hurting me xx

        1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

          How do you learn such a thing lol????

          xo

          1. Life happened so I had to..

  7. Ella Ivoire says:

    THIS! JUST THIS! Really I get so much on how you’re feeling!! xx

  8. Renna says:

    Very powerful post and yes we’ve been there and feel your pain. Life can be very difficult at times and it is so lovely when people do actually take the actual time to see how you are. Here’s hoping some people might change a little and see how much they’ve hurt you.

  9. This is an interesting post. I think some people are acquaintances rather than friends and sometimes ..sadly people and friends change and with that their loyalty and support.

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      Very interesting comment and definitely food for thought! I think Person A definitely might fit into that last sentence

      xo

  10. I am going through something very similar at the minute, I feel as though recent events in my life have really shown me who is important, it’s always sad to realise that a friendship isn’t what you thought it was, but it’s very therapeutic to let go.

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      I’m sorry you are experiencing this too but glad we are both learning to let go!

      xo

  11. I feel what you are going though as I have been there with my friends. I have more online friends now than friends around me..

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      I don’t know if this is just times changing because we are so much more able to connect to people online and we spend so much time building those connections maybe? But it doesn’t feel nice either way 🙁

      xo

  12. lisagraham1 says:

    People always have stuff going on in their life but if they were really true friends they would make time for you. Maybe you should explain how you feel to them and be brutally honest?

  13. Kerry Norris says:

    It’s funny isn’t it? My online friends feel closer to me than any of my actual friends. It’s a bizzare and horrible feeling x

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t like how it feels judging by the comments so far but it also means we are not alone

      xo

  14. Ana De-Jesus says:

    Wow that is a lot to take on board it seems like you have some really shitty friends. I can understand that they are going through hard times but where are they when you need a shoulder to lean on?

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      Only they know and I’m sure they would come up with so many reasons why I’m wrong!

  15. Keely says:

    I understand how isolated that can make you feel. Keep going xxx

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