Why I Still Need Medication To Be Me

Have you ever done something that affects your whole life but you don’t even realise until it’s all gone so badly wrong that it’s almost ruined everything? No? I didn’t think I had either until yesterday when my relationship was crashing and burning around my ankles, I had been crying for at least two hours and I  couldn’t work out what was wrong with me.

Mr Me was ready to leave. He had his bags packed, we had agreed we would need to sort out something in regards to the Mini Me’s… all he wanted was for me to talk to him and all I could do was say “I don’t know” and cry some more. It was as bad as it sounds, trust me.

As much as he was prepared to leave and convinced if we couldn’t talk then there was definitely no point, he kept trying to talk to me every time he was about to leave because deep down he  didn’t want to give up on what we have. This was a blessing in disguise.
The truth is, it was all a problem of my own doing except I hadn’t realised this at all. I thought everything was fine because I was living in a bubble of my own creation called depression and anxiety.

I messed up massively. When I found out I was pregnant in May I stopped taking my Sertraline  without consulting anyone – not a Dr and not Mr Me. This is not technically true – I told Mr Me I was stopping but when the pregnancy was no longer, I forgot to mention I had no intentions of taking them again because I felt fine. Or I thought I did but how can you feel fine when your hormones are everywhere, you’re grieving and you’re stressed? I wasn’t  in the best place mentally to make such a massive decision by myself.


Fast forward to 1st August with my life falling apart around me, my relationship near its end and me lost in a bubble of disinterest and tiredness and confusion. Mr Me has no idea I have been off my meds and feeling completely lost for a good few weeks at least. All he knows is I’ve lost any interest in sex, I don’t talk to him, I don’t make time for him and I  hardly make time for me. I don’t do my hair, I don’t want to get dressed and I don’t have the answers to any questions. I can’t think about the future and I can’t feel hopeful about our plans. In a sense, I don’t care – I  exist in my own little world with my phone in my hand or the laptop on my lap. We may as well be lodgers who happen to be co-parenting.

I think the worst part is that a part of me thought the best situation for him was not me. I thought he should leave because I’m a mess and I can’t even care for me so how can I care for him? So we are going through all of this and he is asking me if I am saying there is no hope for us, and I am crying saying I  don’t know what is wrong with me but I’m not okay. Then I say “I think I should start taking my meds again” and he looks at me like he wants to strangle me and kiss me all at the same time because he never knew. And now it all makes sense – the change in my moods and behaviour, the distance, the lack of anything.

He’s disappointed… So disappointed in me. It could have been worse – I could have been suicidal. I could have left everyone behind and nobody would understand why because I never said a word. I made a decision that nearly cost me my relationship and my children their father.

Once I realised exactly what was going on, I was angry. Why do I need medication  to be myself – to be happier and healthier and more able? Why do I need medication  to be okay? Why can’t I  be okay? But I have accepted now that this is me and right now, I need medication to be okay and my family need me to be okay. I want to be okay and if that means I take medication for years then so be it. I don’t want to miss out on my children and my man and my life because I’m drowning in a darkness I can’t escape or see through.(This post helped me to feel a bit better about everything as well) 
Lesson: Do not stop taking your meds without talking to a Dr in particular but definitely let your other half know too. I made a bad decision at a silly time and ended up technically out of my right mind and wondering if I was due to be sectioned. I cut myself off from nearly everyone and everything. The worst part is, I knew something was wrong but it took me until yesterday to accept that for now, I need medication to be okay and that is okay. It doesn’t mean forever.
So I  saw my Dr first thing this morning and I’ve been prescribed something new called Paroxetine. I know that I could possibly gain weight, lose my orgasm, sweat, have a dry mouth and whatever else. I am hoping I am 9 in 10 who manages to avoid most of those side effects but we can cross that bridge when we come to it. It will take about 4 weeks for me to notice any difference but obviously the side effects happen a lot quicker than that.


I was also told that everything I’m feeling will pass and to talk to Mr Me so he knows it isn’t him because that’s the only way we can get through it together.

Quote from IS GOD SAYING HE'S THE ONE?: Hearing from Heaven about That Man in Your Life ~ Relationship Advice for Single Christian Women ~ For a free sample click this link: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B007JWCPS2 ~ #singles:

It’s hard living with mental health problems but much harder to do it alone. Luckily, Mr Me is still here but I also have some amazing people on Twitter who have supported me and I can’t thank them enough!

If you’ve liked this post, or any others, please don’t forget to click to subscribe on the left hand side now! You might also like this post on How To CopeWith Anxiety or these 13 Ways To Get Motivated when life gets you down!
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Comments

  1. Janina says:

    This is simply beautiful, I love how truthful you are. Sometimes I feel like everything around me is falling apart too – but we just got to keep holding on.

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      Thank you for your comment. I think it’s definitely about going with the flow – there will be good days and bad days but we shouldn’t fight or overthink them, just work with them.

      Emmie xo

  2. I always enjoy your posts, very honest and so relatable. It’s such a personal thing to blog about and I guess that’s why I loved reading it. You should definitely never stop taking your mess without talking to your dr, so true.

    Jordanne || Thelifeofaglasgowgirl.co.uk

  3. Emma Dunn says:

    Thank you for talking about a topic like this x

  4. PixieOX says:

    I really appreciate the realness in the post! Onwards and upwards babe. – Pixie xxx

  5. Becca says:

    This is such a strong post and really insightful. I hope your new medication is okay for you, and you’re right, if you need to take your meds to be okay; you need to take your meds to be okay. My mental health problems also ruined my relationship so I know how you feel. Great post lovely, hope you’re all good X

  6. Mrs Whyte says:

    love this post, well done for being so honest. Ive been trying to write a similar post for a while but it’s really hard to get the right words out. Well Done! Going to Subscribe! x

    Steph

    https://whytehappenednext.wordpress.com

  7. Wow, I am so proud of you for everything! May the future be bright for you!

    Lauren | laurmatthews.blogspot.com

  8. This has to be the best post I have read in ages, so moving and personally and for you too share it is incredible! Thank you!

    Abbie-
    chasingmydesire.com

  9. Jess says:

    Love that your post’s are always truly open and from the heart! This was such an interesting read and so much of it rang so unbelievably true with me. I feel so encouraged to try share my mental health problems with those around me, as difficult as it may be. I always try to keep in mind that the road to good mental health is a marathon not a sprint as its hard to accept that its not just going to be all magically better in the morning.

    Thanks so much for sharing, beautiful post as always.

    Jess

    http://www.almostchic.co.uk

  10. Em says:

    You’re very brave for sharing something so personal. I agree with the other comments, you have found a good man right there, most would have been gone the first sign of any problem. I hope these new tablets do something for you, I have suffered with anxiety and depression myself, and know others who are still suffering and it’s a constant battle. I think one of the most important things is communication, as hard as it is, you need to tell someone, anyone, how you’re feeling, especially your Mr! I used to be the same, crying and when asked what was wrong it was always “I don’t know”. Have you ever tried anything besides medication? Maybe CBT? I went for a while and it helps, and my boyfriends mother is currently speaking to someone every week and she seems better for it, especially as it’s confidential and there can be no judgement or shame as she doesn’t know her. I suppose in a way this blog is your way of speaking to people anonymously. Take care of yourself! X

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      I go to CBT once a week – I’ve been going for a few months now. Will be followed by some counselling and probably some more therapy.
      Unfortunately, at the moment, talking alone is not enough to get me through so for now medication is necessary until I don’t know when but I like to think there will come a day when I don’t need it.

      Emmie xo

  11. Anna says:

    This is an amazing post, and definitely needs be read by many people. Drs give medication to people for a reason, I wish more people talked about mental health so it stop being a taboo subject.

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      Thank you – he’s a really good guy and I just hope he knows I appreciate him even if I can’t show it right now!
      I’ve always been against medication so it takes a lot for me to accept that I need it right now but I will be okay.

      Emmie xo

  12. I think you have found yourself a good’un there with your mister and well done you for sharing your story and no one should ever be ashamed of needing medical help, n whatever form, to let them be themselves x

  13. lifesmoments16 says:

    My heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you’re going through! I haven’t had to resort to taking medicine in a long time, but I do remember what it’s like to need it to survive and function. I’m glad that you finally told Mr. Me and your doctor what is going on with you.
    This took some major guts to share this with the world too. I’m sure it will help someone though!
    Best wishes. I wouldn’t mind being there for you if you ever need a set of eyes to hear your complaints or to help try and pull you out of those dark stages.

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      It’s nice to hear from someone saying they know where I am but they’ve come through it because it means I have hope!
      I hope it does help someone even if it’s only one person!
      Thank you for your support and I will definitely keep that in mind as I’m sure I will need it.

      Emmie xo

  14. Summer says:

    Great post, really grea meaning and moral, and just great, aha! Best of wishes to you and your family in the future ! 🙂

  15. I’m so proud of you for recognising that you needed support, and getting it. I hope you’re able to avoid the side effects and start seeing an improvement soon.
    The medication doesn’t make you any more or less “you” – just as insulin doesn’t make a diabetic any more or less “them”. All it does is help your brain function correctly. Just like any other illness, there’s a bit that doesn’t quite work how it should, but medication can help, so why shouldn’t you take it? All the best to you and your family.

    Jess xxx

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      Thank you for this comment – it means a lot. Your examples are helpful and your comment made me feel a bit better about it all to be honest. I’ve had a better day today – maybe knowing I’ve recognised what’s going on has allowed me to be a bit calmer?
      I love what you said that “there’s a bit that doesn’t quite work how it should” because it’s exactly that. Thank you!!

      Emmie xo

  16. Kitty Morris says:

    such an important story, thank you so much for sharing it with us. Sending you love and well wishes on your journey!

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Emmie xo

  17. Excellent post, truly. How awesome is your fella? Thank heavens you realised in time, best of luck over the next month, and the rest 🙂 x

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      Thank you. I’m very lucky to have him (I very almost didn’t!). I’m just glad we managed to get to the root cause and hopefully I’m back on the path to feeling like myself again.

      Emmie xo

  18. I love that felt able to share this and that you’re raising awareness around such a taboo topic! Really enjoyed the read – wishing you all the best! 🙂

    http://makemeupmarie.com/

    xo

    1. Unsigned, Emmie says:

      Thank you for commenting. I do like to speak on topics that are real to me even if they’re not the easiest or prettiest thing to talk about!

      Emmie xo

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