Have you ever done something that affects your whole life but you don’t even realise until it’s all gone so badly wrong that it’s almost ruined everything? No? I didn’t think I had either until yesterday when my relationship was crashing and burning around my ankles, I had been crying for at least two hours and I couldn’t work out what was wrong with me.
Mr Me was ready to leave. He had his bags packed, we had agreed we would need to sort out something in regards to the Mini Me’s… all he wanted was for me to talk to him and all I could do was say “I don’t know” and cry some more. It was as bad as it sounds, trust me.
As much as he was prepared to leave and convinced if we couldn’t talk then there was definitely no point, he kept trying to talk to me every time he was about to leave because deep down he didn’t want to give up on what we have. This was a blessing in disguise.
The truth is, it was all a problem of my own doing except I hadn’t realised this at all. I thought everything was fine because I was living in a bubble of my own creation called depression and anxiety.
I messed up massively. When I found out I was pregnant in May I stopped taking my Sertraline without consulting anyone – not a Dr and not Mr Me. This is not technically true – I told Mr Me I was stopping but when the pregnancy was no longer, I forgot to mention I had no intentions of taking them again because I felt fine. Or I thought I did but how can you feel fine when your hormones are everywhere, you’re grieving and you’re stressed? I wasn’t in the best place mentally to make such a massive decision by myself.
Fast forward to 1st August with my life falling apart around me, my relationship near its end and me lost in a bubble of disinterest and tiredness and confusion. Mr Me has no idea I have been off my meds and feeling completely lost for a good few weeks at least. All he knows is I’ve lost any interest in sex, I don’t talk to him, I don’t make time for him and I hardly make time for me. I don’t do my hair, I don’t want to get dressed and I don’t have the answers to any questions. I can’t think about the future and I can’t feel hopeful about our plans. In a sense, I don’t care – I exist in my own little world with my phone in my hand or the laptop on my lap. We may as well be lodgers who happen to be co-parenting.
I think the worst part is that a part of me thought the best situation for him was not me. I thought he should leave because I’m a mess and I can’t even care for me so how can I care for him? So we are going through all of this and he is asking me if I am saying there is no hope for us, and I am crying saying I don’t know what is wrong with me but I’m not okay. Then I say “I think I should start taking my meds again” and he looks at me like he wants to strangle me and kiss me all at the same time because he never knew. And now it all makes sense – the change in my moods and behaviour, the distance, the lack of anything.
He’s disappointed… So disappointed in me. It could have been worse – I could have been suicidal. I could have left everyone behind and nobody would understand why because I never said a word. I made a decision that nearly cost me my relationship and my children their father.
Once I realised exactly what was going on, I was angry. Why do I need medication to be myself – to be happier and healthier and more able? Why do I need medication to be okay? Why can’t I be okay? But I have accepted now that this is me and right now, I need medication to be okay and my family need me to be okay. I want to be okay and if that means I take medication for years then so be it. I don’t want to miss out on my children and my man and my life because I’m drowning in a darkness I can’t escape or see through.(This post helped me to feel a bit better about everything as well)
Lesson: Do not stop taking your meds without talking to a Dr in particular but definitely let your other half know too. I made a bad decision at a silly time and ended up technically out of my right mind and wondering if I was due to be sectioned. I cut myself off from nearly everyone and everything. The worst part is, I knew something was wrong but it took me until yesterday to accept that for now, I need medication to be okay and that is okay. It doesn’t mean forever.
So I saw my Dr first thing this morning and I’ve been prescribed something new called Paroxetine. I know that I could possibly gain weight, lose my orgasm, sweat, have a dry mouth and whatever else. I am hoping I am 9 in 10 who manages to avoid most of those side effects but we can cross that bridge when we come to it. It will take about 4 weeks for me to notice any difference but obviously the side effects happen a lot quicker than that.
It’s hard living with mental health problems but much harder to do it alone. Luckily, Mr Me is still here but I also have some amazing people on Twitter who have supported me and I can’t thank them enough!
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