As Long As I’m Breathing

My life feels like a blur at the moment. I’m not depressed. I’m just at that stage in life where having no real direction or certainty about what I should be doing is scary as fuxk.

I wake up during term time around 7.15am and take 10 minutes to just wake up. To think about the day. Maybe pray. Sometimes wish I could fall back to sleep. Occasionally fall back asleep and wake up at 7.30 feeling annoyed that I fell asleep.

I have the kids up and eating breakfast by 7.35am. In the time that they eat, I try to get myself ready and then start on Miss 5’s hair if it needs to be done. Since school started after the summer holidays, breakfast has been taking way too long with lots of uneaten cereal, porridge and toast. I persevere.

Her uniform is put on. His pull-up is replaced with big boy pants. Mr Me gets ready for work and takes Miss 5 to school on his way. I drop Master 2 to nursery a little while after.

Then there are 3 free hours. Childless hours. In that time I have to choose and prioritise any of the following or all of the following: gym; breakfast; a few tasks from the endless list of house work that never ends; job hunting; looking at degree courses; blogging possibly; maybe grocery shopping; and rarely just relaxing.
Today, I chose job hunting, light housework as I’m still trying to take it easy since I caught this nasty head cold and grocery shopping. I often choose housework, job hunting and grocery shopping. I am yet to get back to the gym since the summer holidays took over my life.

Then it is already time to collect Master 2 and sort out his lunch which is probably when I decide to have my first meal of the day. Very often baked beans with mushrooms on toast. This is how repetetive my life is. As I write this, it is 5.02pm and all I have eaten is 3 BBQ chicken wings Mr Me left in the kitchen from last night after his late shift. I’m not even sorry.

3pm comes and it’s time to get ready for the school run. Master 5 and I take a excrutiatingly long walk to Miss 5’s school armed with a sandwich, a drink and a banana for them each. I’m always surprised they can eat so much between lunch and dinner but such is life.

Sometimes we go to the park until 4.30pm. Other times, we go grocery shopping. Most times, we go home. The children fight. They play nicely. They make demands. They ask for dinner when it’s nowhere near dinner time. I drink tea. I cook dinner if I haven’t already. I try to be calm and positive and open to my children. Sometimes, I am impatient, shouty and counting down until I can put them to bed.

I am always aware of who needs what and at what time. That includes making sure dinner is ready when Mr Me comes home unless we are having takeaway or I am on deaths door.

I am also aware of how hard and monotonous it can all seem at times. I wonder if it would be different if I had friends. People to talk to. People to visit or who visited me occasionally. I wonder how it will be when I get a job. Will it all balance out somehow and still get done or will it all come crumbling down until we can figure out the new routine?

I don’t know. I just know that I want a job. I am not fussy what it is because right now, my main motivation is money. I haven’t found my “calling”. I know that I want to drive and be able to buy a bigger house outside of London and that requires money. This is what motivates me. Some people think it isn’t enough. For me, it is, for now.

On top of this all, is the anxiety. The family drama that always gets into my head even when I’m not supposed to be involved. The financial worries. The constant fight to not give up. The constant battle to remind myself to keep going. The energy it requires to even get up in the morning.

But as long as I’m still breathing, then I am still here. Fighting another day. Surviving. Hoping that one day, I will be living.



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